Somebody's going to say it!

I think there comes a point in every performer's career when they know they've hit a plateau. You all of a sudden hear some guy (it's always a guy) yell out Free Bird!. You glance around and there he is, sitting with his friends or leaning against some wall and as he yells it out, he looks at his friends and laughs like this is the funniest thing anyone has ever done in a bar and everyone in the bar should be laughing right now. THERE IS ONE IN EVERY BAR IN THE UNIVERSE. I SWEAR.

I really don't know what compels this behaviour as the offender is not always drunk. Quite often, he may actually want to hear this song, no matter how bad the version would be. Free Bird is yelled out in virtually any venue, no matter how classy, and at weddings. Free Bird is yelled out at Irish pipe bands, Zydeco bands, polka bands, Bon Jovi concerts and 8th grade concert band performances. The chronic offenders yell Free Bird at the little speakers in the suspended ceilings at their doctor's office while they're waiting for their appointments. Although I don't know this for sure, I have to think it's yelled out in other countries such as India, China, Saudi Arabia and Chemung.

The plateau I mentioned earlier is the point you get to when you just wish people would stop. You just wish the song had never been written. You don't feel violent towards the purp because you know you shouldn't feel that way about the infirm or the mentally disabled. You just wish there was rehab that this person could be forcibly made to attend.

My recommendation: stake this song out on the juke box and punch it in to play two or three times while you're setting up or get a CD player to play it during your breaks. It's really all you can do. This affliction of yelling Free Bird will never ever ever end and no degree of enforced federally-mandated sterilization will deter the further birth of more of these guys who yell Free Bird every time they get the chance. It's a guy thing.